Marriage Advice I've NEVER Heard Before

Adapted from a Facebook post that happened to resonate with my family and friends.

Image courtesy Ashton Marie Photography

A year ago I was hopping to every married couple I knew and hoarding advice like a dragon whenever I could. Over time I got some big shiny jewels that were worth repeating from a lot of people: keep dating your spouse, never go to bed angry, talk deeply about money before it’s relevant, pick your battles, and much more. Yessssss, that’s the good stuff ✨💎✨

I realize a year isn’t a very long time, but it’s still FLOWN by without anything near the level of conflict we were warned about. Most of that is thanks to a world of support around us from friends and family, but along the way I’ve found a few lil coins in the road that have turned out to be super helpful as we walk beside each other. So to celebrate 368 of our favorite days together, here’s some of my dragon hoard for FREE, no pillaging necessary 🐉 Here are seven pieces of marriage advice that I’ve NEVER heard before:

• My biggest advice for anyone is this: don’t assume you know your spouse better than you know yourself. So many people have told me that’s how you’ll know the person you’re dating is The One™️, but I think that’s a really harmful mindset to have about somebody. The assumption that you know everything about a person is a doorway to the assumption that you can make decisions for them, or that something “out-of-character” is a red flag that needs to be corrected. The person you love is constantly changing, and that’s a beautiful thing to witness. Be there for every person they will be.

• When you’re shopping for bedding, think about how there are gonna be two 98° human beings under there. That’s hot. No I don’t mean it like that, I mean it’s gonna be two people’s body heat combined under there for 8 hours every night. I know one of you is the Extreme Heat Radiator of the two, because that’s how every relationship works. Accommodate for your differences. Breezy-est is easiest.

• Diet together! I know that sounds a little odd, but I have no idea how else to explain it. Basically if one of you decides to alter their lifestyle for the sake of self-improvement, I HIGHLY recommend you consciously try to do it along with them if you can. Not only are you very likely to improve your own life as well, but gosh it’s so nice to have a buddy for support while you tackle a goal! Also, while your spouse is working out at 6:30 or eating healthy meals or turning off Netflix after 30 minutes, it gives you an opportunity to spend quality time with them and enjoy their presence. It’s just like the rats-with-the-cocaine-water experiment — the cure for lifestyle-based addiction is true friendship, small community and love. Be there for your life buddy.

• Everyone says communication is important, but that’s honestly a pretty shallow thing to say. You wouldn’t HAVE a relationship in the first place if you didn’t think communication is important. My advice is to OVERDO it, to the point of being almost embarrassing. Say everything as soon as it’s relevant - how nice his hair looks, how you’re excited she’s home, how it bothers you when they make that sound with their mouth, how you wish they hadn’t said that thing because it makes you sad. If you don’t let these things blurt out of you as soon as the thought sprouts, they’ll take root in your mind and turn and tangle up into something they’re not. You never know when you won’t be able to talk for a while, so it’s key to overshare while you can. There’s no such thing as embarrassment anymore with each other.

• I give this advice to everybody no matter the situation - don’t let yourself get caught up in the lies of the world’s gender stereotypes, that men and women are inherently and incurably opposite of each other. Our culture’s generalizations like “women’s brains are so tangled up like spaghetti that they’re impossible to figure out” or “Men Ain’t S*** and their entitled egos will come out eventually” don’t do anything but breed the same bitterness and contempt that lead to my first point. Sure our society gives different histories and expectations to different genders that will follow both of you for the rest of your lives, but you’re both too unique to be stuffed in a box that dictates your actions and personality. Your wife isn’t doing that because “well, that’s just how females are”; she’s doing that because your wife is a human being who deserves to be held accountable and talked to like one. I didn’t marry Ethan because he’s a man that does man stuff, I married him because he’s Ethan and does Ethan stuff. 😊 Free your actions and yourselves.

• Nothing in life is guaranteed, especially marriage itself. Every single day that you’re still yoked with your spouse and able to speak love to them in their heart’s language, you’re using a gift that was never promised to you. If you dwell on future milestones you’ll miss what’s right in front of you and set yourself up for unmet (and often un-meet-able) expectations, especially if you’re still dating. Marriage isn’t some rite of passage, and seeing it as an expectation for you or anyone else is selling its beauty short. You were created with selfless love in mind. Use and invest in your privilege wisely.

• Finally, whether you’re married or dating or friends or acquaintances with any human being, if you tweak it just a little, basically any marriage advice can be applied to that person too! Like I said, we were made to actively love other people, and all this advice boils down to keeping love alive. Love isn’t just a mushy blushy feeling — it’s active, it’s brave, it’s others-focused, and it’s sometimes uncomfortable at first. But it’s not hard. I know it’s only been a year for us, but marriage isn’t hard in the same way that having a roommate, a sister, a coworker, a girlfriend, a dad or a best friend isn’t hard. The more often you show love, the easier it will be. It just takes careful practice, and that’s all love is really.

🥂